At The End Of The Day
by Shirl
Summary: COMPLETED-This short fic takes place directly after the Never Say Never episode in Season 8. Kerry and Jing-Mei have a further conversation.


TITLE: At The End Of The Day   
AUTHOR: Shirley   
RATING: PG   
KEYWORDS: Kerry Weaver, Jing-Mei Chen, John Carter, Angst/Drama   
SPOILERS: Spoilers up to "Never Say Never" in Season 8.   
TIMELINE: Set directly after the "Never Say Never" episode.   
DISCLAIMER: I don't own any of the characters from ER. They are   
the property of Warner Brothers, Constant C Productions, etc.   
ARCHIVE: You are welcome to download this story for your own reading,   
but please do not archive it on any website without my permission.   
SUMMARY: Kerry and Jing-Mei have a further conversation.   
AUTHOR'S NOTE: I'm becoming really upset with TPTB over how they are   
portraying Kerry. She used to be my favourite female character but   
lately, her behaviour is really pushing the limits. I can't stand   
how the writers portrayed her in "Never Say Never", so this short fic   
is my attempt to rectify the situation. Mind you, I also tried to   
keep it realistic to her character so it's not all sweetness either.   
This was written somewhat in haste, but I probably won't be editing   
it any further. What you see is what you get, sorry.   
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*   
  
A mild throbbing was beating a steady rhythm in her temples, and the   
blaring music combined with overly loud voices were beginning to grind   
on her nerves. Why had she even come here?   
  
Kerry Weaver finally realized that the bartender was waiting for a   
response from her. "What?" she asked vaguely, her voice barely   
audible above the noisy crowd.   
  
The energetic woman pointed to her empty glass. "I said, you want   
another one?"   
  
"Yes." She replied without thinking, as if working on automatic pilot.   
She paid for her second drink of the evening, leaving a generous tip.   
  
Her mind began drifting again as she thought about all that had happened   
today. Hell, not just today; the past year. It seemed like every day   
she was fighting someone over something. Why did everything have to be   
such a struggle? She was so sick of it all.   
  
Besides her escalating headache, a different sort of gnawing was eating   
away at her insides, slowly and persistently. It was such a familiar   
feeling, it was almost becoming second nature to her. Guilt.   
Sometimes, even with the best of intentions in mind, it still came   
down to guilt. She had wronged a lot of people in her lifetime,   
some with good cause and others not so justified. Most times, she was   
able to brush away the weight of the guilt and carry on but lately,   
the effort was starting to wear her down.   
  
God, she wished Kim was here. Above all else, she missed the   
friendship. She had never made friends easily and it seemed she had   
managed to drive away the few she had. In one way or another, she had   
betrayed them all. Just like she'd betrayed Jing-Mei today. But she   
didn't want to think about that.   
  
Starting to grow restless, her gaze shifted to others in the room.   
She wondered how many people in this bar would be spending the night   
with someone they had just met. Could she ever do something like that?   
Would she even want to? All she had to look forward to this evening   
was a research paper she'd been putting off writing.   
  
With a sigh of annoyance, she realized she'd left all her notes in   
her locker. Apparently, running into Malucci in the lounge had   
distracted her more than she'd thought. She really should have said   
something to him. She wasn't sorry for firing him. Although he had   
overall good doctoring skills, he'd been a constant thorn in her side.   
She couldn't tolerate his blatant disrespect for her authority any   
longer. But, she admitted, she should have handled his termination   
in a less public and berating way. It had been on the tip of her   
tongue to apologize to him for her lack of professionalism, but she'd   
bitten her tongue instead and let him slip away. That was her only   
regret.   
  
She eyed her drink with temptation. It was bought and paid for but   
if she was smart, she'd keep her head clear in order to make some real   
progress on her paper tonight.   
  
Slipping out of her seat, she left the drink on the counter, untouched.   
  
***************   
  
Fresh tears threatened the back of her eyes but Jing-Mei Chen blinked   
them back, steeling herself. She refused to shed any more tears over   
this. Her work here was over and done and she never wanted to look back.   
  
She had never kept much personal stuff in her locker, so there hadn't   
been much to clean out. She had tucked a few items into her large   
purse and the rest, she had tossed into the wastebasket. Her lab coat,   
ID badge, and stethoscope had already been turned in. So that was it.   
She'd said goodbye to a few people, but her intention was to escape   
quietly. The only person she could bear speaking to right now was John.   
  
Hearing the lounge door open, she pasted a neutral smile on her face   
and turned around. Coming face-to-face with Kerry, her expression   
immediately turned to ice. Averting her gaze, she strode past the   
older woman, careful not to brush against her. Striding down the hall,   
she resisted the urge to take in her surroundings for the last time.   
  
"Jing-Mei!"   
  
She ignored the abrasive voice calling out to her and quickened her   
steps.   
  
"Jing-Mei, wait!"   
  
When she felt the hand on her arm, she frowned, jerking her arm to shake   
off the unwelcome contact.   
  
"I want to talk to you," Kerry said.   
  
Jing-Mei glared at her. "I have nothing to say to you."   
  
"This won't take long, I promise." Kerry looked around, as if aware   
that their conversation was attracting attention. She lowered her   
voice. "Please, don't leave just yet. I need to speak with you."   
  
Angry and somewhat confused by her behaviour, Jing-Mei hesitated,   
unsure of what to do. Part of her wanted to walk away and leave   
Kerry standing there, looking foolish, but the other part of her   
was genuinely curious. What could she possibly have to speak to   
her about now? Hoping she wouldn't regret this, she gave a curt   
nod of her head and followed the other woman to an empty exam room.   
  
Keeping her face impassive, she waited with an impatient air.   
She couldn't remember ever seeing Kerry look so uncomfortable or   
unsure of herself and when she finally spoke, it was in a halting   
manner. "I wanted to tell you that I...I'm not proud of what I did   
today. I'm not quite sure why I did it."   
  
"You know exactly why," Jing-Mei interrupted, her voice harsh.   
"To save your own ass." She wanted to see Kerry squirm but   
surprisingly, felt only a mild sense of satisfaction in her former   
supervisor's discomfiture.   
  
"I can't deny there's some truth to that," Kerry admitted, breaking   
eye contact to briefly look down at the floor. "What can I say to   
change your mind? I don't want you to resign."   
  
Jing-Mei didn't bother hiding her disbelief. She wondered what the   
underlying ulterior motive was for surely, Kerry couldn't be speaking   
out of the goodness of her heart. "You really expect me to believe that?   
After what you did to me? You must think I'm really stupid."   
  
"Of course I don't think that," Kerry stated quietly. "You're an   
excellent doctor but you made an error in judgement. It happens to   
everyone. I...I'm partly to blame because you couldn't reach me   
at Doc Magoos. I should have admitted that in the meeting."   
  
"But you didn't. Besides, it's too late. You've already offered   
my job to John." She saw Kerry's eyes widen with surprise. "Yeah,   
I already know. John told me and I'm happy for him."   
  
"But did you know that he would turn down the position if it meant   
that you would stay?" Kerry persisted.   
  
She nodded, remembering the warm feelings of comfort and friendship   
that they had shared on the roof. "He told me that too. Supposing   
I did withdraw my resignation and remained as Chief Resident.   
What would you say to John?" She asked the question, only because   
she was curious how Kerry would handle that delicate situation.   
She knew how badly John had always wanted the position. How like   
Kerry it would be to offer it to him and then yank it away in the   
next breath.   
  
Apparently she had already thought about it, since she replied   
without hesitation. "I would tell him that we had this discussion   
and that you changed your mind about resigning. Yes, he would be   
disappointed, but I think he'd be happier that you're staying.   
And so would I."   
  
Jing-Mei contemplated Kerry's face, trying to gauge the level of   
her sincerity. She must have remained silent for almost a minute,   
weighing both the pros and cons, before reaching a decision.   
"I don't understand you at all, Dr. Weaver, but then again, I don't   
think anyone does. The bottom line is, I don't trust you anymore.   
If I stayed here, I would always be wondering when you're going to   
turn on me again. Besides, I'm never going to live down the   
guide-wire incident. Maybe I shouldn't have been so surprised that   
it was thrown in my face after all these years, but it *did* surprise   
me. I never should have come back to County. It was a mistake."   
  
"I'm sorry you feel that way."   
  
Although Jing-Mei couldn't quite place it, something about the way   
Kerry spoke or perhaps her body language, hinted that she was   
partially relieved by her decision. Feeling irked, she snapped,   
"Why do I get the feeling you knew I wouldn't withdraw my resignation?   
Be happy. Now you can sleep with a clear conscience."   
  
At her words, Kerry seemed to flinch slightly. Jing-Mei strode to   
the door with every intention of leaving things at that, but she   
found she couldn't do it. Turning once more, she faced Kerry with   
a somber expression. "Look, for what it's worth, I'm glad we had   
this talk. I've always admired and respected you, and I'm sorry   
if I've disappointed you."   
  
When Kerry spoke, there was nothing but sadness remaining in her   
voice. "You haven't, Jing-Mei. I'm only sorry that I've been a   
disappointment to you. Good luck."   
  
With a final nod, Jing-Mei left the room.   
  
***************   
  
John Carter felt very odd. While he was a bundle of nervous excitement   
over becoming the new Chief Resident, his jubilation was overshadowed   
by Jing-Mei's circumstances. It was a contradiction that left him   
feeling strangely unsettled.   
  
He'd been leaning against the wall next to the ambulance bay doors,   
but straightened up as Jing-Mei marched towards him. Her head was   
down and she barely looked at him. "Ready?" he asked.   
  
"Yeah, let's go," she mumbled, walking past him.   
  
Not expecting to move so quickly, he had to jog a bit to catch up to   
her fast pace. Crossing the street, she kept moving, silent all the   
while. "I thought we were going to Doc's," he said, when they had   
passed the brightly lit diner.   
  
"Not there. Let's just keep walking."   
  
"Where to?"   
  
"I don't know. We'll find something."   
  
And so they continued down the street. Sensing that she wasn't ready   
to talk about what was bothering her, he remained quiet. After a few   
more minutes, he spoke up again, hoping not to sound too out of breath.   
"We need a destination, Deb. We can't just walk in circles."   
  
"Fine, we'll go to the next El station. I don't feel up to dinner   
anymore." She finally glanced in his direction, looking apologetic.   
  
"That's okay. Want to tell me what's..."   
  
"No," she cut in abruptly.   
  
Raising his eyebrows slightly, he decided to back off. They made the   
rest of the trip in silence and climbed the stairs to reach the El   
platform. It seemed a little more windy up here, adding a bite of chill   
to the night air. As Jing-Mei scooted over on the bench, closer to   
his side for added warmth, he placed an arm around her shoulder.   
"I ran into Weaver in the lounge," she stated suddenly.   
  
"Oh yeah? Did she say anything?"   
  
"She said a lot of things. Asked if I would reconsider my resignation."   
  
That took him by surprise. "And what did you say?" He tried to sound   
as casual as possible, but he suspected his feigned nonchalance wasn't   
fooling her one bit.   
  
"I told her that I don't trust her. And that I never should have come   
back to County." Her lips curled in a humourless way. "Basically,   
I turned her down."   
  
Once again, the unsettled feelings rushed forth, confusing him; a sense   
of relief intertwined with disappointment. "You could stay, you know,"   
he said softly. "If Kerry is asking you to reconsider, maybe you should."   
  
She shook her head. "No, it's over. You deserve it, more than I ever   
did. You've always belonged there. I never have."   
  
"That's not true."   
  
"It is true. Even when we were med students." Her mouth curved   
upwards again, but this time with genuine laughter that reflected in   
her eyes. "We had some good times, didn't we?"   
  
He chuckled. "Drove each other crazy, you mean."   
  
"That too." Gradually, her smile faded and she became serious again.   
"Maybe I shouldn't have come back to County, but I'm glad I did. You've   
been a good friend, John. You've been there for me when no one else has.   
I'll never forget that."   
  
Blinking rapidly, she averted her face, but not before he caught the   
glitter of moisture in her eyes. "Hey, I thought you were done with   
crying," he said gently.   
  
"Who's crying," she muttered, with a final sniffle.   
  
Silence reigned once more as he kept his arm around her. Together,   
they waited for the train that would take them home.   
  
THE END


End file.
